Cowgirl Smoothie

So it's just gone 9pm on Saturday night and I am alone in my room polishing off a bottle of Cowgirl Smoothie; at 15% it's a surprise it actually tastes nice, but I am already getting side tracked... I never used to be like this, drinking by myself just for the sake of it. Signs of an alcoholic I suppose, although it's hard to condemn myself as one, I can't ignore the signs: drinking to overcome emotions, being completely intoxicated by 11am in the morning, downing shots by myself. I guess you could say I'm drowning out my sorrows, but that is just an excuse, truth is, I like the way it makes me feel; carefree, loose and confident.

I am already hesitating as to what I should be writing, truth is, I don't know where to start. There is so much to tell and I'm worried I will muck it up. I am a lot more honest when I am drinking, I guess this is a good thing, as you will get to learn more about me.

I suppose it all started from when I wanted to cheat on my partner, I knew from that point, that it wasn't going to last. I had to end it, but I was scared, I was so used to being in a relationship, that I had forgotten what it was like to be single. I attempted to carry on the relationship after cheating, I told my partner of course, It was impossible not to, I couldn't keep something like that from him, no one deserves to not know. From there though, things only got worse. I had started uni, doing a dual degree of Arts and Education, an impossibly easy subject, but one that I would soon begin to hate, It was mundane, repetitive and boring. It did nothing to maintain my interest and not before long I began skipping lectures, then tutorials, then whole days all together.
I made it through one term before deferring. I couldn't continue on with my studies for the year.
Once successfully deferred from university I decided to apply for a full-time job. I applied for 5 jobs in one day and received a call from someone quite quickly, this man was to become a friend of mine in the future, however for the time being he was the recruiter for a company I'd rather not mention; my current workplace.

After obtaining a job from this man as a telemarketer I was placed into a training group with people who, just like me, had just obtained the job. This job and these people, are the biggest influence in what has changed me as a person, I became friends with numerous people in the workplace and grew particularly fond of two males in my group, who we shall call Emmet and Gary.

I was extremely attracted to Gary and knew that given the opportunity, I would be tempted to cheat on my partner. That was the thought that made my decision final, I ended my 2 and a half year relationship with my partner for good. Lucky I did as it was a mere week after I ended it when Gary ended his long term relationship with his partner and we were fucking like rabbits on a work colleagues bedroom floor.

He made it clear that nothing was to come from this and I agreed, not knowing how much this would bother me in the weeks to come. I carpooled to work with Gary and Emmet, and there was nothing I could do to get mine and Gary's drunken one night stand out of my head, It would take months for me to realize just how much i liked him.

Due to Emmet's sporting events, he chose to exit our 3 person carpool, leaving just Gary and Myself in the car each and every day, half hour in, half hour out. It was during these car rides that I was at my happiest. When I was with Gary I felt different to how I had ever felt before, regardless of what was going on at home or anywhere else, I was happy, as long as I was with him.

I was doing it hard at home, I rarely spoke to my parents and If i did it was always either arguing or screaming at one another, most nights after dropping Gary off at home I would find myself driving for hours up long deserted roads, avoiding the inevitable journey home. Not that this was anything unusual, as I had always hated my home life, my childhood was different to others. My parents were drug addicts and losers, not fit for raising an animal let alone a child, and yet they had both, well at least at one stage they did.

Things got quite tough at home, and it wasn't long before I was thrown out, all my things in garbage bags with not so much as a thank you or goodbye. It's not like they hadn't done this to anyone before, any family staying with them had been booted out, even my beloved dog. They put her down due to false claims of a heart murmur one day whilst I was at work. She was my dog, and the closest thing I had ever had to family, and they just got rid of her, without a care in the world. She was my responsibility; I payed for all of her expenses and was to take her when I moved out, but they didn't care, they never did...

I moved to the city, and started renting with a flatmate I had never met before. It was nice, I enjoyed the freedom, I still do. Unfortunately this brought an end to the carpools with Gary that I had begun to rely on, just because it brought a sense of normality into my life.

I bend over backwards for this boy, all he has to do was ask, and I would do it for him. It is quite strange, normally it is the opposite, men treat me like a princess waiting on my every need; however with him I like that it is different, I like that he occasionally treats me like shit, plays games with women and has an attitude unlike any other guy I have been with. In a matter of seconds he convinced me to chuck a sickie from work and spend the day with him, getting pissed on all the alcohol in the boot of my car.

I do believe he is the reason for my alcoholism, he taught me how alcohol not just fuel emotions but buried them also.

I don't think it is so much as I liked him, as more so there was finally someone who paid attention to me, even if it may be just to get into my pants.

Although I have neglected numerous things such as my half sibling, biological father and numerous people in my life, I have brought you one step close to being up to date in the little story I like to call my life.

However, I must stop my entry at this point, as I can feel the alcohol kicking in to a point where I am struggling to remain coherent.

The rest of my story is for another day.
Until then,
Take Care and be safe.
Faith Destiny Harper. Xx.