Just one wish

If I could have but one wish in this world, it wouldn't be to change my past or my childhood because that is what has made me who I am today, it wouldn't be to have mass amounts of money because money doesn't buy you Happiness, it wouldn't be to look gorgeous  or beautiful because looks only go so far, it wouldn't even be to lose weight and finally be satisfied with my body because sure it would make me happy but to me there is something more important in life.

That is why if I could have but one wish in this world it would be for someone to want, love and care for me as much as I do them, because in all honestly that is the one thing that would truly make me happy.

A Tribute To Music.

You make me stronger
You help me persevere
You have been there through the good
You have been there through the bad
You bring back the best memories
And remind me of those that mean the most to me.
You never judge me
And yet you influence my actions judgments and moods so easily
Without you I don't know where I would be.
You are not one person nor are you one story, you are many.
I turn to you more than anything else, and I always will.
You stand by me in rough decisions
And can relate to me in every way.

Suicidal.

I'm so alone. I'm so depressed. I feel like killing myself. I stare at this knife and I want to do it, I want to do it so bad....

But I'm afraid of failing again.

So Alone.

It's one of these days again...
I feel so alone. So lonely. It's one of those days where the thought of leaving my room kills me....
I can't do it, I can't face the world. I never want to leave this place. I want someone to lay here with me, holding me, cuddling me, never letting me go.

I want someone to want me.
I need someone to need me.
Honestly all I keep holding onto is that there is someone out there who make me feel different from everyone else, who appreciates me for me and actually wants me...

I can't face this world alone, without someone to share it with. I will die.

But I don't just want anyone, and that is why, when countless people have thrown their feelings down at me telling me that they want me, I could never let them in....
Because I know what I am like, and it seems impossible to find someone that I will willingly open up to and just be myself.

I want someone to move in with me by age 20, propose to me at age 21, be married to me by 23 and have kids with me by 25. I have it all thought out, and yet to be honest I'd be happy just to find someone that I actually want to do any of that with.

That would make my life complete. It would make me happier than anything else for all of this to happen.

But what would really make me happy is for someone to want me, need me and love me.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last.

Everyday I stare at these scars and I think to myself, 3rd times the charm....

Depression Deepens Darker.

I'm so fucking depressed!
Another day all alone. I have no money and no one wants to spend time with me. So here I am at home alone again as I have been for these last few days and I so desperately want to kill myself. I just want to end it all. I have nothing to distract me, all I do is sit here everyday in my room, all alone....
Everyone I know is either on holidays, working or spending time with other people.

And here I am with no money, no life and all I am is fucking depressed. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF SO FUCKING BAD!!!!!

I'm so alone....

People need time away from me, away from my problems, away from everything involving me.

Self sacrifice sucks....

I want to feel like everything is going to be ok.

Discussions With Myself.

I stare at these scars everyday, I hide them, I'm ashamed of what I have done. I'm scared of how people would treat me if they found out.

I've already had one person use it against me and it hurt me like all hell. How can you use that against someone? Someone is that depressed that they tried to end their life and another person can taunt them about it day in day out, pushing them to do it again, and to do it properly...
It's horrible, I've never met a person so low and so cold hearted that could continuously do that to another human being. I have left her alone, I haven't gone on her blog in weeks, and yet she just wont rest. She doesn't care that she doesn't have alex, she told me he was a selfish untrustworthy friend anyway,  she just doesn't like that I won...  And that just it, its not a game, its not like someone should win or lose, but that's just how she sees it.

I wasn't out to win anything. I just wanted my life & my friends back...

She makes me so depressed that I want to kill myself everyday and it is her doing it...

I've stopped telling everyone about her constant texts and her harassing Internet posts...
I just delete them...
Because no one ever defends me anyway, no one cares that she is slowly pushing me to the point of suicide.

Alex doesn't get it, he thinks I crack for no reason but he never realizes that not a day goes by that I don't hear from her.

Even on that Friday of my birthday... The first call was Gary, but he left me alone after that. The rest if the night was Katie...

I thought that If I didn't respond things would pass, but they haven't, and there is nothing I can do about it.

All I want is for someone to stand up to her and just say "Katie, Faith is my friend and she means the world to me. What you are doing is wrong, move on, let it go. She doesn't deserve this... Just grow up"
But instead all my "friends" continue to talk to the girl who continues to torture me everyday. This is why a Christmas card, or some candy can make me crack, because once again I am bottling everything in every day, not just about this but about everything and eventually I just explode.

I haven't gone out clubbing because I am ashamed of how I look, I've come up with every excuse under the sun. Its gotten to the point now where I can't even where dresses or shorts because my legs are disgusting...
I'm ashamed to go out in public. Some days I am so crippled by low self-esteem that I can't even convince myself to leave the bedroom, let alone the house. I am so ashamed of what I have become. I am not just fat, no, now in am actually overweight bordering obese and it's humiliating. I always say I am going to try hut I always fail. I want someone there to help me and guide me, but there isn't....

Maybe they have all just given up on me... I don't blame them. Ever since I finished school I can feel everything about me deteriorating, even my mind... I have gotten so dumb, its ridiculous, I lack all the intelligence I once held. Now all I am is a mere ditz and I hate myself for it.

I am going no where in life, I always thought I was going to make something of my life, be a psychologist, be a teacher, even be a cop, but who am I kidding... I will never be any of these things... I will never accomplish anything...

There is not one thing I can say that I like about myself... Not one thing.... All i crave for is for someone to cup my face in their hands and tell me the things i need to hear... If you think I'm beautiful then tell me, if you think I'm nice or caring or a good person then tell me... Because I don't think I am any of those things and it kills me. In all honesty, I hate myself, I hate myself so much, more than ANYTHING else in this world....

Do you know how pathetic you feel when you try your hardest to kill yourself and fail, not once, but twice...Fuck! Your whole life is a failure enough as it is and now you can't even kill yourself properly, what kind of a fat pathetic dim-witted loser are you...
Honestly.... Why are you even still here?
Oh, That's right,, because you tried to kill yourself but you can't even get that right because your pathetic....

Succumbing To Desires.

So fucking depressed...
I've invited my parents over for dinner tonight because I'm scared to be left alone....
I don't trust myself at all to be by myself right now...
I want to kill myself, a really big part of me wants to kill myself but I'm trying so hard to not succumb to my own desires. I can't...

Path of Pills.

Depressed, depressed, depressed.
Why am I always depressed. It's getting to the point where I'm honestly thinking to myself should I take the tablets, the anti-depressants. I mean sure they make you numb and your body becomes that reliant on them that you can't be happy without them but I'm rarely happy anyway, the minute I'm not with you I'm depressed.

Wouldn't it be better to be numb, than to have these feelings and thoughts everyday...

I don't know what to do. I want help... I need help... But I'm to scared to ask.

What if no-one can fix me? What if I'm beyond help...
What if where I'm truly meant to be, is locked up where I can't hurt anyone anymore... Including myself....
I don't want to face that reality, I really don't, but how can I go on being this delusional....

Brief & Powerful.

I'm hurting inside and out...
But what do you do when the only person that can make you stop hurting, is the one that is hurting you in the first place....

Two Hearts Are Better Than One, Or In This Case None.

I remember that day driving back from our road trip asking each other random questions and someone asked if you could kill yourself how would you do it.

As we spoke of ideas it struck me as strange that everyone had an answer straight away. Like they had all thought about it before; suicide, a way to kill themselves. My friends, whose Happiness I envy had at one stage been in the situation where they contemplated ending there life. Although of course no one admitted it, I still knew, and as we sat there whilst I drove my car, discussing the easiest most painless way to do it, no one knew that in a weeks time I would do it, in that very seat, in that very same car... I would accelerate straight into a tree as an attempt to kill myself...

I hate that no one talks about it..

I tried to kill myself. They locked me up in a psych ward and held me there for days, and we never bring it up. No one mentions it, they brush it off as nothing...

Doesn't anybody realize I want to talk about it, I want them to acknowledge that it was serious....
That they cared....
But no one ever does...

And when no one cares it never gets better, it just gets worse. And so I tried again... I tried to overdose on sleeping tablets, run in front of traffic, hang myself, and slash my wrist... But all I'm left with is scars and memories. I hide everything everyday, I cover up my scars, I cover up my emotions but it's getting really hard... They are multiplying both my emotions and my scars...

I used to have such great control over my emotions, I truly did but now I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't pretend that everything is perfect, I struggle everyday to put a smile on my face.

I have known for years that I have a problem. I can never remember ever being truly happy as a child growing up...
I remember trying to strangle and suffocate myself as a kid, I remember slamming my head against walls and floors, I remember staring at a knife in my hand just begging myself to do it.

The thing is...
I've always wanted to do it, I've just always been to scared of pain, of it not working. But now... None of that bothers me, I just want it to all be over, to stop feeling this way...

I want someone to genuinely care, I want someone to ask me if I'm ok, and actually want to hear the real answer.

There are two people in my life that have truly made me happy. Neither of theses people realize the big impact they have had on my life, that in times where everything else looked bleak just spending time alone with them made me feel better.

They used to ask me questions, give me advice and help me out, although I would never mention the bigger problems, the fact that they took the time to be there made me feel like I was genuinely cared about, like they actually had an interest in my life.

Now both of these people have changed, or maybe they were never really caring in the first place, like most guys they probably just wanted in my pants. Maybe I was searching for something that wasn't there.

I can't help but be bitchy and hateful to them when they don't realize how vulnerable I am around them; how any little word out of their mouth could either make my day or make me try to kill myself....

Shared Notes & Secret Confessions, Part Two.

I used to be a strong girl, but a lot has changed, a lot has happened, and I’ve had to deal with way more than any person should ever have to go through.. And you know something? I finally broke; everything around me crashed and i fell right with it... I’m not that strong person anymore, I am weak…and nothing like I used to be.

These Confessions, divulge a lot about me as a person, they are raw they are fresh and they are the words directly from my thoughts to writing, there is no time to second guess myself or what I am writing. Truth be told, some of these thoughts nearly killed me.

Shared Notes & Secret Confessions, Part One.

Since my last blog, once again a lot has happened. I didn't really divulge what made me want to kill myself, truth be told, It was my Ex, My life and a Girl named Katie.

I have tried to kill myself twice because of these people. Slowly Gary opened up to me and I soon learned that he wanted to take what we had further, he asked me to be in a relationship with him and I was so taken aback I asked him to give me time to think about it. It should have been an easy decision right? But it wasn't... In fact, it made me realise something, I was still in love with my ex... or at least I thought I was. Maybe I was scared of letting someone new in, so i just retreated back to what I was used to.

I struggle to regularly update my blog, instead all I have been doing is writing down notes on my Iphone and Laptop.They are random notes and random thoughts, put together they don't make much sense, but they have a way of making me feel better, like I'm letting it out, similar to this blog I suppose.

So today I have decided to share some of these notes, that are a compilation from many months ago up until as recent as today. Even in these notes it is possible to see how these thoughts and feelings can adapt and change.

These first notes were written months ago:

- It’s nights like these I fear, when I’m left to my own thoughts, my own self judgments, It’s quiet, I’m not used   to this, I don’t like it. The thoughts are drowning out everything. 

- That feeling in your throat when you trying not to cry, I forgot what it was like to not have it there, until you brightened up my day, now that you are distanced I feel as though it is worse.

- I like being busy, it doesn’t give me time for my brain to swallow up my body and consume all my being. I try so hard to not think of you but it is pointless, the minute my brain isn’t preoccupied my thoughts travel straight back to you.

-I normally just lay awake at night, but now I am afraid to lay down for fear of my heavy heart sinking through my chest and cracking all my ribs.

-This continuous thumping of my heart is driving me insane, I feel like ripping it out and throwing it at you because I know I won’t get it back, so you might as well just take it.

- It's nights alone that make you think, make you realise. Fuck, when you fall, you fall hard. You're in so deep, you don't know how to get out and secretly there is a part of you that doesn't want out, that doesn't want security or closure.

- I used to think of death everyday as an escape, now I just don’t give a fuck if I live or die, I don’t need to escape, my life is better than  many others and yet here I am driving a car down a narrow curving road at 160km an hour, I don’t care if I lose control, in fact it is nice to feel something other than this painful yearning seeping through my chest.

- I hide behind a mask not for attention but because I don’t wish to burden others with my problems, instead they burden me with theirs. All I want is for someone to truly care, not to just feel obliged to listen but to openly and honestly care, I need someone to want to know my problems, some one to ask me questions and care about me rather than themselves. I don’t want to have to tell and be judged I just want to be comfortable.

- The signs are there, even though I shouldn’t have to lay them down, they always were there, and yet no one bothers to notice. One day I will be gone, and all I want to know is if anyone will actually be at my funeral. I want to know how much I mean to people, if I weren’t here, would they notice, would they care. 

- The new people who have met me think that I am an optimist and a very happy person with a lot of confidence, if I can fake this every day, then how can others blatantly be so depressed and pretend they don’t want people to know, if they really didn’t want people to know they would be like me.

- Some days I actually do think I’m a little bit pretty or at least average, then I look at the rest of my body and I realise that it doesn’t matter whether I’m pretty or not I’m just another one of those girl that would be prettier if I wasn’t so fat…. I just want to stop eating.

This music is like euphoria to me
Every song pushes you into my mind
The butterflies, the dashes of hope this is all wrong. Why is it, hard as I may try I can't shake this feeling.
All I'm doing is setting myself up to get hurt and yet I can't help it.
It's like I yearn for it, I need it.
You're so oblivious, I fucking want you, just like everyone else..

A Big Week.

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Lonely Nights

So this is one more blog than last time I attempted one.

You know how they say optimism is a good thing for your confidence and attitude; well I disagree, with optimism comes hopefulness, and I for one hate getting my hopes up. I do this all the time, i run through scenarios in my head, be optimistic about a situation and get my hopes up that things might turn out the way I imagine then: This is rarely ever the case...

Let's take tonight for example, Gary was to drive me home. Now, throughout the day we discussed all of his current flings and his issues with them, they aren't pretty enough, too clingy, no fun in bed etc. Now that did nothing for my confidence as majority of girls he gets with are well and truly smoking and he doesn't consider half of them attractived, however when it comes to sex it seems he would perfect for exactly what I would like.

At lunch today he was talking about my housemate, saying how he would be able to seduce her and that I should invite him in tonight to meet her, this did get my hopes up. Gary in my house, my mind wandered quite quickly to things that of course got my hopes up...

So he is driving me home tonight, telling me how he doesn't have any1 lined up but that he is definitely getting laid tonight, of course I want that to be me, not that I would let on to that. So we get to mine and we are chatting in the car for a bit when I realise, much to my displeasure that my housemate isn't home, I now have no reason to invite him in without being the initiator in anything. So we sit there for a bit I eventually get out of there car, knowing that he won't initiate anything. He could do much better than me unfortunately, and he knows it. I think I have the perfect personality for him but the looks and figure don't match his standards.  Shame.

So here I am sitting on my bed, with my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow night be different....

I hate optimism!

Cowgirl Smoothie

So it's just gone 9pm on Saturday night and I am alone in my room polishing off a bottle of Cowgirl Smoothie; at 15% it's a surprise it actually tastes nice, but I am already getting side tracked... I never used to be like this, drinking by myself just for the sake of it. Signs of an alcoholic I suppose, although it's hard to condemn myself as one, I can't ignore the signs: drinking to overcome emotions, being completely intoxicated by 11am in the morning, downing shots by myself. I guess you could say I'm drowning out my sorrows, but that is just an excuse, truth is, I like the way it makes me feel; carefree, loose and confident.

I am already hesitating as to what I should be writing, truth is, I don't know where to start. There is so much to tell and I'm worried I will muck it up. I am a lot more honest when I am drinking, I guess this is a good thing, as you will get to learn more about me.

I suppose it all started from when I wanted to cheat on my partner, I knew from that point, that it wasn't going to last. I had to end it, but I was scared, I was so used to being in a relationship, that I had forgotten what it was like to be single. I attempted to carry on the relationship after cheating, I told my partner of course, It was impossible not to, I couldn't keep something like that from him, no one deserves to not know. From there though, things only got worse. I had started uni, doing a dual degree of Arts and Education, an impossibly easy subject, but one that I would soon begin to hate, It was mundane, repetitive and boring. It did nothing to maintain my interest and not before long I began skipping lectures, then tutorials, then whole days all together.
I made it through one term before deferring. I couldn't continue on with my studies for the year.
Once successfully deferred from university I decided to apply for a full-time job. I applied for 5 jobs in one day and received a call from someone quite quickly, this man was to become a friend of mine in the future, however for the time being he was the recruiter for a company I'd rather not mention; my current workplace.

After obtaining a job from this man as a telemarketer I was placed into a training group with people who, just like me, had just obtained the job. This job and these people, are the biggest influence in what has changed me as a person, I became friends with numerous people in the workplace and grew particularly fond of two males in my group, who we shall call Emmet and Gary.

I was extremely attracted to Gary and knew that given the opportunity, I would be tempted to cheat on my partner. That was the thought that made my decision final, I ended my 2 and a half year relationship with my partner for good. Lucky I did as it was a mere week after I ended it when Gary ended his long term relationship with his partner and we were fucking like rabbits on a work colleagues bedroom floor.

He made it clear that nothing was to come from this and I agreed, not knowing how much this would bother me in the weeks to come. I carpooled to work with Gary and Emmet, and there was nothing I could do to get mine and Gary's drunken one night stand out of my head, It would take months for me to realize just how much i liked him.

Due to Emmet's sporting events, he chose to exit our 3 person carpool, leaving just Gary and Myself in the car each and every day, half hour in, half hour out. It was during these car rides that I was at my happiest. When I was with Gary I felt different to how I had ever felt before, regardless of what was going on at home or anywhere else, I was happy, as long as I was with him.

I was doing it hard at home, I rarely spoke to my parents and If i did it was always either arguing or screaming at one another, most nights after dropping Gary off at home I would find myself driving for hours up long deserted roads, avoiding the inevitable journey home. Not that this was anything unusual, as I had always hated my home life, my childhood was different to others. My parents were drug addicts and losers, not fit for raising an animal let alone a child, and yet they had both, well at least at one stage they did.

Things got quite tough at home, and it wasn't long before I was thrown out, all my things in garbage bags with not so much as a thank you or goodbye. It's not like they hadn't done this to anyone before, any family staying with them had been booted out, even my beloved dog. They put her down due to false claims of a heart murmur one day whilst I was at work. She was my dog, and the closest thing I had ever had to family, and they just got rid of her, without a care in the world. She was my responsibility; I payed for all of her expenses and was to take her when I moved out, but they didn't care, they never did...

I moved to the city, and started renting with a flatmate I had never met before. It was nice, I enjoyed the freedom, I still do. Unfortunately this brought an end to the carpools with Gary that I had begun to rely on, just because it brought a sense of normality into my life.

I bend over backwards for this boy, all he has to do was ask, and I would do it for him. It is quite strange, normally it is the opposite, men treat me like a princess waiting on my every need; however with him I like that it is different, I like that he occasionally treats me like shit, plays games with women and has an attitude unlike any other guy I have been with. In a matter of seconds he convinced me to chuck a sickie from work and spend the day with him, getting pissed on all the alcohol in the boot of my car.

I do believe he is the reason for my alcoholism, he taught me how alcohol not just fuel emotions but buried them also.

I don't think it is so much as I liked him, as more so there was finally someone who paid attention to me, even if it may be just to get into my pants.

Although I have neglected numerous things such as my half sibling, biological father and numerous people in my life, I have brought you one step close to being up to date in the little story I like to call my life.

However, I must stop my entry at this point, as I can feel the alcohol kicking in to a point where I am struggling to remain coherent.

The rest of my story is for another day.
Until then,
Take Care and be safe.
Faith Destiny Harper. Xx.

Picking Up Where We Left Off

I find it easy to escape reality, delving into the cyber world of anonymity and becoming someone else, someone new and intriguing, unlike me in every way; however it is also a great release to explore my own world more in depth and propagate my true self to the world, hidden to those around me.

I have had blog posts before, and I must admit I have been unsuccessful in maintaining them in every single way, I just drop off, become too absorbed in reality, losing myself in a world of sex, drugs and tears.

Once again however, I will try to divulge my story, in truth and honesty, no lies or shortcomings: this is me, for all I am worth, on show, for the eyes of the world to judge and witness.

I will first post the only two Blogs I had previously written this year; it is amazing even now to read back on them and realise only a mere 8 months later, that my life has changed entirely in almost every aspect.

Introduction

Do you ever hear people discuss a woman, who has cheated on her partner, created a dangerous lie that spiraled out of control, kept secrets from their family for years, done things they shouldn’t have done for money or acted like a complete slut, and then say “I would never do a thing like that” ?
Maybe you believe that you honestly wouldn’t ever do any of those things. I know there was a time in my life when i would struggle to keep a secret from my partner for more than a few days, let alone years; time does that to people though, it changes them: some people might not even notice the changes, but they are there.
This blog will introduce the woman I truly am, although i suspect few will read my words, it gives me a small amount of peace to know that the truth is out there and perhaps those who need to find it will stumble upon it one day.

∞10:48 pm, By Faith Harper.

Welcoming In The New Year

I’m not sure what everyone else did to welcome in the year 2010, however I know exactly what I did. Just 11 hours into the New Year, I found myself wanting to cheat on my partner with his best friend. Horrible I know but technically it wasn’t betrayal; But how do i put my relationship under a technicality… You see, my partner loves me dearly; he would do anything for me. How I managed to claim a man like him is honestly beyond me, as he deserves much better than me. My issue is I love my partner or at least I thought I did, in fact I may have loved the person who used to be but not now. My love for a partner will always be stronger that anything else in this world, if I actually love them and want them, but I don't think i do.. The other man, as I shall call him, has confessed quite isolated feelings for me, putting more difficulty into the situation. I need to tell my partner, I need to end it, but i am afraid.. I can’t keep things from him; it drives me insane, to know that i may be causing him pain…

∞08:35 pm, B Faith Harper.

 Since realeasing these two blogs I have:

*Quit my job

*Dropped out of Uni

*Started Working Fulltime

*Lost most of my friends

*Ended my long term relationship with my partner

*Developed an Alcohol Problem

*Attempted to commit Suicide

*Fallen into a whole new lifestyle

*Developed feelings that I can't dismiss

*Covered my sexuality

*Gained about 10Kgs

*Been offered $12,000 no questions asked

*Kicked out of home

*Relocated to the city

*Developed a whole new world of issues

*And no longer talk to my parents and numerous friends

There is a lot to fill you in on, too much obviously for one blog, but atleast this is a start.

Alas, it is 1 O'clock in the morning and I really must be getting to sleep as I have much to do in tomorrow, before my trip.

Take care and be safe,

Faith Destiny Harper. Xx.