I have tried to kill myself twice because of these people. Slowly Gary opened up to me and I soon learned that he wanted to take what we had further, he asked me to be in a relationship with him and I was so taken aback I asked him to give me time to think about it. It should have been an easy decision right? But it wasn't... In fact, it made me realise something, I was still in love with my ex... or at least I thought I was. Maybe I was scared of letting someone new in, so i just retreated back to what I was used to.
I struggle to regularly update my blog, instead all I have been doing is writing down notes on my Iphone and Laptop.They are random notes and random thoughts, put together they don't make much sense, but they have a way of making me feel better, like I'm letting it out, similar to this blog I suppose.
So today I have decided to share some of these notes, that are a compilation from many months ago up until as recent as today. Even in these notes it is possible to see how these thoughts and feelings can adapt and change.
These first notes were written months ago:
- It’s nights like these I fear, when I’m left to my own thoughts, my own self judgments, It’s quiet, I’m not used to this, I don’t like it. The thoughts are drowning out everything.
- That feeling in your throat when you trying not to cry, I forgot what it was like to not have it there, until you brightened up my day, now that you are distanced I feel as though it is worse.
- I like being busy, it doesn’t give me time for my brain to swallow up my body and consume all my being. I try so hard to not think of you but it is pointless, the minute my brain isn’t preoccupied my thoughts travel straight back to you.
-I normally just lay awake at night, but now I am afraid to lay down for fear of my heavy heart sinking through my chest and cracking all my ribs.
-This continuous thumping of my heart is driving me insane, I feel like ripping it out and throwing it at you because I know I won’t get it back, so you might as well just take it.
- It's nights alone that make you think, make you realise. Fuck, when you fall, you fall hard. You're in so deep, you don't know how to get out and secretly there is a part of you that doesn't want out, that doesn't want security or closure.
- I used to think of death everyday as an escape, now I just don’t give a fuck if I live or die, I don’t need to escape, my life is better than many others and yet here I am driving a car down a narrow curving road at 160km an hour, I don’t care if I lose control, in fact it is nice to feel something other than this painful yearning seeping through my chest.
- I hide behind a mask not for attention but because I don’t wish to burden others with my problems, instead they burden me with theirs. All I want is for someone to truly care, not to just feel obliged to listen but to openly and honestly care, I need someone to want to know my problems, some one to ask me questions and care about me rather than themselves. I don’t want to have to tell and be judged I just want to be comfortable.
- The signs are there, even though I shouldn’t have to lay them down, they always were there, and yet no one bothers to notice. One day I will be gone, and all I want to know is if anyone will actually be at my funeral. I want to know how much I mean to people, if I weren’t here, would they notice, would they care.
- The new people who have met me think that I am an optimist and a very happy person with a lot of confidence, if I can fake this every day, then how can others blatantly be so depressed and pretend they don’t want people to know, if they really didn’t want people to know they would be like me.
- Some days I actually do think I’m a little bit pretty or at least average, then I look at the rest of my body and I realise that it doesn’t matter whether I’m pretty or not I’m just another one of those girl that would be prettier if I wasn’t so fat…. I just want to stop eating.
This music is like euphoria to me
Every song pushes you into my mind
The butterflies, the dashes of hope this is all wrong. Why is it, hard as I may try I can't shake this feeling.
All I'm doing is setting myself up to get hurt and yet I can't help it.
It's like I yearn for it, I need it.
You're so oblivious, I fucking want you, just like everyone else..
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