Two Hearts Are Better Than One, Or In This Case None.

I remember that day driving back from our road trip asking each other random questions and someone asked if you could kill yourself how would you do it.

As we spoke of ideas it struck me as strange that everyone had an answer straight away. Like they had all thought about it before; suicide, a way to kill themselves. My friends, whose Happiness I envy had at one stage been in the situation where they contemplated ending there life. Although of course no one admitted it, I still knew, and as we sat there whilst I drove my car, discussing the easiest most painless way to do it, no one knew that in a weeks time I would do it, in that very seat, in that very same car... I would accelerate straight into a tree as an attempt to kill myself...

I hate that no one talks about it..

I tried to kill myself. They locked me up in a psych ward and held me there for days, and we never bring it up. No one mentions it, they brush it off as nothing...

Doesn't anybody realize I want to talk about it, I want them to acknowledge that it was serious....
That they cared....
But no one ever does...

And when no one cares it never gets better, it just gets worse. And so I tried again... I tried to overdose on sleeping tablets, run in front of traffic, hang myself, and slash my wrist... But all I'm left with is scars and memories. I hide everything everyday, I cover up my scars, I cover up my emotions but it's getting really hard... They are multiplying both my emotions and my scars...

I used to have such great control over my emotions, I truly did but now I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't pretend that everything is perfect, I struggle everyday to put a smile on my face.

I have known for years that I have a problem. I can never remember ever being truly happy as a child growing up...
I remember trying to strangle and suffocate myself as a kid, I remember slamming my head against walls and floors, I remember staring at a knife in my hand just begging myself to do it.

The thing is...
I've always wanted to do it, I've just always been to scared of pain, of it not working. But now... None of that bothers me, I just want it to all be over, to stop feeling this way...

I want someone to genuinely care, I want someone to ask me if I'm ok, and actually want to hear the real answer.

There are two people in my life that have truly made me happy. Neither of theses people realize the big impact they have had on my life, that in times where everything else looked bleak just spending time alone with them made me feel better.

They used to ask me questions, give me advice and help me out, although I would never mention the bigger problems, the fact that they took the time to be there made me feel like I was genuinely cared about, like they actually had an interest in my life.

Now both of these people have changed, or maybe they were never really caring in the first place, like most guys they probably just wanted in my pants. Maybe I was searching for something that wasn't there.

I can't help but be bitchy and hateful to them when they don't realize how vulnerable I am around them; how any little word out of their mouth could either make my day or make me try to kill myself....