Discussions With Myself.

I stare at these scars everyday, I hide them, I'm ashamed of what I have done. I'm scared of how people would treat me if they found out.

I've already had one person use it against me and it hurt me like all hell. How can you use that against someone? Someone is that depressed that they tried to end their life and another person can taunt them about it day in day out, pushing them to do it again, and to do it properly...
It's horrible, I've never met a person so low and so cold hearted that could continuously do that to another human being. I have left her alone, I haven't gone on her blog in weeks, and yet she just wont rest. She doesn't care that she doesn't have alex, she told me he was a selfish untrustworthy friend anyway,  she just doesn't like that I won...  And that just it, its not a game, its not like someone should win or lose, but that's just how she sees it.

I wasn't out to win anything. I just wanted my life & my friends back...

She makes me so depressed that I want to kill myself everyday and it is her doing it...

I've stopped telling everyone about her constant texts and her harassing Internet posts...
I just delete them...
Because no one ever defends me anyway, no one cares that she is slowly pushing me to the point of suicide.

Alex doesn't get it, he thinks I crack for no reason but he never realizes that not a day goes by that I don't hear from her.

Even on that Friday of my birthday... The first call was Gary, but he left me alone after that. The rest if the night was Katie...

I thought that If I didn't respond things would pass, but they haven't, and there is nothing I can do about it.

All I want is for someone to stand up to her and just say "Katie, Faith is my friend and she means the world to me. What you are doing is wrong, move on, let it go. She doesn't deserve this... Just grow up"
But instead all my "friends" continue to talk to the girl who continues to torture me everyday. This is why a Christmas card, or some candy can make me crack, because once again I am bottling everything in every day, not just about this but about everything and eventually I just explode.

I haven't gone out clubbing because I am ashamed of how I look, I've come up with every excuse under the sun. Its gotten to the point now where I can't even where dresses or shorts because my legs are disgusting...
I'm ashamed to go out in public. Some days I am so crippled by low self-esteem that I can't even convince myself to leave the bedroom, let alone the house. I am so ashamed of what I have become. I am not just fat, no, now in am actually overweight bordering obese and it's humiliating. I always say I am going to try hut I always fail. I want someone there to help me and guide me, but there isn't....

Maybe they have all just given up on me... I don't blame them. Ever since I finished school I can feel everything about me deteriorating, even my mind... I have gotten so dumb, its ridiculous, I lack all the intelligence I once held. Now all I am is a mere ditz and I hate myself for it.

I am going no where in life, I always thought I was going to make something of my life, be a psychologist, be a teacher, even be a cop, but who am I kidding... I will never be any of these things... I will never accomplish anything...

There is not one thing I can say that I like about myself... Not one thing.... All i crave for is for someone to cup my face in their hands and tell me the things i need to hear... If you think I'm beautiful then tell me, if you think I'm nice or caring or a good person then tell me... Because I don't think I am any of those things and it kills me. In all honesty, I hate myself, I hate myself so much, more than ANYTHING else in this world....

Do you know how pathetic you feel when you try your hardest to kill yourself and fail, not once, but twice...Fuck! Your whole life is a failure enough as it is and now you can't even kill yourself properly, what kind of a fat pathetic dim-witted loser are you...
Honestly.... Why are you even still here?
Oh, That's right,, because you tried to kill yourself but you can't even get that right because your pathetic....