A Tribute To Music.

You make me stronger
You help me persevere
You have been there through the good
You have been there through the bad
You bring back the best memories
And remind me of those that mean the most to me.
You never judge me
And yet you influence my actions judgments and moods so easily
Without you I don't know where I would be.
You are not one person nor are you one story, you are many.
I turn to you more than anything else, and I always will.
You stand by me in rough decisions
And can relate to me in every way.

Suicidal.

I'm so alone. I'm so depressed. I feel like killing myself. I stare at this knife and I want to do it, I want to do it so bad....

But I'm afraid of failing again.

So Alone.

It's one of these days again...
I feel so alone. So lonely. It's one of those days where the thought of leaving my room kills me....
I can't do it, I can't face the world. I never want to leave this place. I want someone to lay here with me, holding me, cuddling me, never letting me go.

I want someone to want me.
I need someone to need me.
Honestly all I keep holding onto is that there is someone out there who make me feel different from everyone else, who appreciates me for me and actually wants me...

I can't face this world alone, without someone to share it with. I will die.

But I don't just want anyone, and that is why, when countless people have thrown their feelings down at me telling me that they want me, I could never let them in....
Because I know what I am like, and it seems impossible to find someone that I will willingly open up to and just be myself.

I want someone to move in with me by age 20, propose to me at age 21, be married to me by 23 and have kids with me by 25. I have it all thought out, and yet to be honest I'd be happy just to find someone that I actually want to do any of that with.

That would make my life complete. It would make me happier than anything else for all of this to happen.

But what would really make me happy is for someone to want me, need me and love me.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last.

Everyday I stare at these scars and I think to myself, 3rd times the charm....

Depression Deepens Darker.

I'm so fucking depressed!
Another day all alone. I have no money and no one wants to spend time with me. So here I am at home alone again as I have been for these last few days and I so desperately want to kill myself. I just want to end it all. I have nothing to distract me, all I do is sit here everyday in my room, all alone....
Everyone I know is either on holidays, working or spending time with other people.

And here I am with no money, no life and all I am is fucking depressed. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF SO FUCKING BAD!!!!!

I'm so alone....

People need time away from me, away from my problems, away from everything involving me.

Self sacrifice sucks....

I want to feel like everything is going to be ok.

Discussions With Myself.

I stare at these scars everyday, I hide them, I'm ashamed of what I have done. I'm scared of how people would treat me if they found out.

I've already had one person use it against me and it hurt me like all hell. How can you use that against someone? Someone is that depressed that they tried to end their life and another person can taunt them about it day in day out, pushing them to do it again, and to do it properly...
It's horrible, I've never met a person so low and so cold hearted that could continuously do that to another human being. I have left her alone, I haven't gone on her blog in weeks, and yet she just wont rest. She doesn't care that she doesn't have alex, she told me he was a selfish untrustworthy friend anyway,  she just doesn't like that I won...  And that just it, its not a game, its not like someone should win or lose, but that's just how she sees it.

I wasn't out to win anything. I just wanted my life & my friends back...

She makes me so depressed that I want to kill myself everyday and it is her doing it...

I've stopped telling everyone about her constant texts and her harassing Internet posts...
I just delete them...
Because no one ever defends me anyway, no one cares that she is slowly pushing me to the point of suicide.

Alex doesn't get it, he thinks I crack for no reason but he never realizes that not a day goes by that I don't hear from her.

Even on that Friday of my birthday... The first call was Gary, but he left me alone after that. The rest if the night was Katie...

I thought that If I didn't respond things would pass, but they haven't, and there is nothing I can do about it.

All I want is for someone to stand up to her and just say "Katie, Faith is my friend and she means the world to me. What you are doing is wrong, move on, let it go. She doesn't deserve this... Just grow up"
But instead all my "friends" continue to talk to the girl who continues to torture me everyday. This is why a Christmas card, or some candy can make me crack, because once again I am bottling everything in every day, not just about this but about everything and eventually I just explode.

I haven't gone out clubbing because I am ashamed of how I look, I've come up with every excuse under the sun. Its gotten to the point now where I can't even where dresses or shorts because my legs are disgusting...
I'm ashamed to go out in public. Some days I am so crippled by low self-esteem that I can't even convince myself to leave the bedroom, let alone the house. I am so ashamed of what I have become. I am not just fat, no, now in am actually overweight bordering obese and it's humiliating. I always say I am going to try hut I always fail. I want someone there to help me and guide me, but there isn't....

Maybe they have all just given up on me... I don't blame them. Ever since I finished school I can feel everything about me deteriorating, even my mind... I have gotten so dumb, its ridiculous, I lack all the intelligence I once held. Now all I am is a mere ditz and I hate myself for it.

I am going no where in life, I always thought I was going to make something of my life, be a psychologist, be a teacher, even be a cop, but who am I kidding... I will never be any of these things... I will never accomplish anything...

There is not one thing I can say that I like about myself... Not one thing.... All i crave for is for someone to cup my face in their hands and tell me the things i need to hear... If you think I'm beautiful then tell me, if you think I'm nice or caring or a good person then tell me... Because I don't think I am any of those things and it kills me. In all honesty, I hate myself, I hate myself so much, more than ANYTHING else in this world....

Do you know how pathetic you feel when you try your hardest to kill yourself and fail, not once, but twice...Fuck! Your whole life is a failure enough as it is and now you can't even kill yourself properly, what kind of a fat pathetic dim-witted loser are you...
Honestly.... Why are you even still here?
Oh, That's right,, because you tried to kill yourself but you can't even get that right because your pathetic....

Succumbing To Desires.

So fucking depressed...
I've invited my parents over for dinner tonight because I'm scared to be left alone....
I don't trust myself at all to be by myself right now...
I want to kill myself, a really big part of me wants to kill myself but I'm trying so hard to not succumb to my own desires. I can't...

Path of Pills.

Depressed, depressed, depressed.
Why am I always depressed. It's getting to the point where I'm honestly thinking to myself should I take the tablets, the anti-depressants. I mean sure they make you numb and your body becomes that reliant on them that you can't be happy without them but I'm rarely happy anyway, the minute I'm not with you I'm depressed.

Wouldn't it be better to be numb, than to have these feelings and thoughts everyday...

I don't know what to do. I want help... I need help... But I'm to scared to ask.

What if no-one can fix me? What if I'm beyond help...
What if where I'm truly meant to be, is locked up where I can't hurt anyone anymore... Including myself....
I don't want to face that reality, I really don't, but how can I go on being this delusional....

Brief & Powerful.

I'm hurting inside and out...
But what do you do when the only person that can make you stop hurting, is the one that is hurting you in the first place....

Two Hearts Are Better Than One, Or In This Case None.

I remember that day driving back from our road trip asking each other random questions and someone asked if you could kill yourself how would you do it.

As we spoke of ideas it struck me as strange that everyone had an answer straight away. Like they had all thought about it before; suicide, a way to kill themselves. My friends, whose Happiness I envy had at one stage been in the situation where they contemplated ending there life. Although of course no one admitted it, I still knew, and as we sat there whilst I drove my car, discussing the easiest most painless way to do it, no one knew that in a weeks time I would do it, in that very seat, in that very same car... I would accelerate straight into a tree as an attempt to kill myself...

I hate that no one talks about it..

I tried to kill myself. They locked me up in a psych ward and held me there for days, and we never bring it up. No one mentions it, they brush it off as nothing...

Doesn't anybody realize I want to talk about it, I want them to acknowledge that it was serious....
That they cared....
But no one ever does...

And when no one cares it never gets better, it just gets worse. And so I tried again... I tried to overdose on sleeping tablets, run in front of traffic, hang myself, and slash my wrist... But all I'm left with is scars and memories. I hide everything everyday, I cover up my scars, I cover up my emotions but it's getting really hard... They are multiplying both my emotions and my scars...

I used to have such great control over my emotions, I truly did but now I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't pretend that everything is perfect, I struggle everyday to put a smile on my face.

I have known for years that I have a problem. I can never remember ever being truly happy as a child growing up...
I remember trying to strangle and suffocate myself as a kid, I remember slamming my head against walls and floors, I remember staring at a knife in my hand just begging myself to do it.

The thing is...
I've always wanted to do it, I've just always been to scared of pain, of it not working. But now... None of that bothers me, I just want it to all be over, to stop feeling this way...

I want someone to genuinely care, I want someone to ask me if I'm ok, and actually want to hear the real answer.

There are two people in my life that have truly made me happy. Neither of theses people realize the big impact they have had on my life, that in times where everything else looked bleak just spending time alone with them made me feel better.

They used to ask me questions, give me advice and help me out, although I would never mention the bigger problems, the fact that they took the time to be there made me feel like I was genuinely cared about, like they actually had an interest in my life.

Now both of these people have changed, or maybe they were never really caring in the first place, like most guys they probably just wanted in my pants. Maybe I was searching for something that wasn't there.

I can't help but be bitchy and hateful to them when they don't realize how vulnerable I am around them; how any little word out of their mouth could either make my day or make me try to kill myself....

Shared Notes & Secret Confessions, Part Two.

I used to be a strong girl, but a lot has changed, a lot has happened, and I’ve had to deal with way more than any person should ever have to go through.. And you know something? I finally broke; everything around me crashed and i fell right with it... I’m not that strong person anymore, I am weak…and nothing like I used to be.

These Confessions, divulge a lot about me as a person, they are raw they are fresh and they are the words directly from my thoughts to writing, there is no time to second guess myself or what I am writing. Truth be told, some of these thoughts nearly killed me.

Shared Notes & Secret Confessions, Part One.

Since my last blog, once again a lot has happened. I didn't really divulge what made me want to kill myself, truth be told, It was my Ex, My life and a Girl named Katie.

I have tried to kill myself twice because of these people. Slowly Gary opened up to me and I soon learned that he wanted to take what we had further, he asked me to be in a relationship with him and I was so taken aback I asked him to give me time to think about it. It should have been an easy decision right? But it wasn't... In fact, it made me realise something, I was still in love with my ex... or at least I thought I was. Maybe I was scared of letting someone new in, so i just retreated back to what I was used to.

I struggle to regularly update my blog, instead all I have been doing is writing down notes on my Iphone and Laptop.They are random notes and random thoughts, put together they don't make much sense, but they have a way of making me feel better, like I'm letting it out, similar to this blog I suppose.

So today I have decided to share some of these notes, that are a compilation from many months ago up until as recent as today. Even in these notes it is possible to see how these thoughts and feelings can adapt and change.

These first notes were written months ago:

- It’s nights like these I fear, when I’m left to my own thoughts, my own self judgments, It’s quiet, I’m not used   to this, I don’t like it. The thoughts are drowning out everything. 

- That feeling in your throat when you trying not to cry, I forgot what it was like to not have it there, until you brightened up my day, now that you are distanced I feel as though it is worse.

- I like being busy, it doesn’t give me time for my brain to swallow up my body and consume all my being. I try so hard to not think of you but it is pointless, the minute my brain isn’t preoccupied my thoughts travel straight back to you.

-I normally just lay awake at night, but now I am afraid to lay down for fear of my heavy heart sinking through my chest and cracking all my ribs.

-This continuous thumping of my heart is driving me insane, I feel like ripping it out and throwing it at you because I know I won’t get it back, so you might as well just take it.

- It's nights alone that make you think, make you realise. Fuck, when you fall, you fall hard. You're in so deep, you don't know how to get out and secretly there is a part of you that doesn't want out, that doesn't want security or closure.

- I used to think of death everyday as an escape, now I just don’t give a fuck if I live or die, I don’t need to escape, my life is better than  many others and yet here I am driving a car down a narrow curving road at 160km an hour, I don’t care if I lose control, in fact it is nice to feel something other than this painful yearning seeping through my chest.

- I hide behind a mask not for attention but because I don’t wish to burden others with my problems, instead they burden me with theirs. All I want is for someone to truly care, not to just feel obliged to listen but to openly and honestly care, I need someone to want to know my problems, some one to ask me questions and care about me rather than themselves. I don’t want to have to tell and be judged I just want to be comfortable.

- The signs are there, even though I shouldn’t have to lay them down, they always were there, and yet no one bothers to notice. One day I will be gone, and all I want to know is if anyone will actually be at my funeral. I want to know how much I mean to people, if I weren’t here, would they notice, would they care. 

- The new people who have met me think that I am an optimist and a very happy person with a lot of confidence, if I can fake this every day, then how can others blatantly be so depressed and pretend they don’t want people to know, if they really didn’t want people to know they would be like me.

- Some days I actually do think I’m a little bit pretty or at least average, then I look at the rest of my body and I realise that it doesn’t matter whether I’m pretty or not I’m just another one of those girl that would be prettier if I wasn’t so fat…. I just want to stop eating.

This music is like euphoria to me
Every song pushes you into my mind
The butterflies, the dashes of hope this is all wrong. Why is it, hard as I may try I can't shake this feeling.
All I'm doing is setting myself up to get hurt and yet I can't help it.
It's like I yearn for it, I need it.
You're so oblivious, I fucking want you, just like everyone else..